The Greenest American Hero

Like acid-washed jeans or tall hair, concern for the long-term health of the Earth goes in and out of fashion. On the heels of An Inconvenient Truth, Live Earth, and The 11th Hour, the planet is literally and metaphorically hotter than ever. Right now, green is the new black. But to keep ecological concerns on the minds of the general public, the environment needs not just an advocate but a hero: someone less grim than the Crying Indian of the 1970s (who, by the way, was actually a Sicilian actor named Espera DeCorti); someone less jowly than Al Gore; someone with the charisma of Leonardo DiCaprio and the wonky genius of Ed Begley Jr. - in short, what the world needs now is an eco-hero.

American mythology is full of "green" superheroes. Green Lantern and Green Arrow both have cool graphic designs on their costumes - the Lantern that lights the way to truth and the Arrow that flies straight and true to the heart of evil - but "Green Lantern" and "Green Arrow"? Both sound like they could be convenience stores. And as we all should know by now, global warming is all about inconvenience.

Speaking of arrows (were we?), let's not forget Robin Hood. Green outfit: check. Lives in a tree: check. Eats whatever the forest provides: check. But the whole "steals from the rich and gives to the poor" thing is just too unwieldy for a positive role model who hasn't been a member of U2. The last thing an eco-hero needs is to get bogged down in the logistics of redistribution of wealth.

Green Hornet is a popular character right now, especially since the Crown Prince of crowning comedy, Seth Rogen, has been chosen to write and star in a new film version. But a film version of what? The character got its name not because he's a fighter for flora and fauna but because green hornets are the angriest ones. And if we're being honest, the original TV series' claims to fame were its theme song ("The Flight of the Bumblebee") and the fact the Hornet had a Pan-Asian assistant named Kato, who just so happened to be played by a young martial arts expert named Bruce Lee. (It's true.) Also, with the randy Rogen writing and starring in the latest version of this story, it's a safe bet the character will soon be renamed the Green Horny.

How about Shrek? He's green; he's got those whimsical trumpet ears; the plot of his first movie hinged on his fight against overpopulation in his beloved swamp; and all of his subsequent movies got surprisingly good mileage out of recycling the same few jokes over and over. But Shrek's grumpy. He emits way more than his share of greenhouse gases. And he sounds way too much like Fat Bastard. He would always be one "Get in my belly!" away from disgrace.

One of my favorite eco-heroes is the Lorax, the Dr. Seuss character who proudly proclaims, "I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees!" I especially love his enormous yellow catfish moustache. But if you've read the book, you know the Lorax loses when all of his beloved truffula trees are cut down. And frankly, America has no patience for a loser.

Kermit the Frog is practically the patron saint of recycling. Legend has it Jim Henson made the prototype Kermit from a green ladies' coat his mother had thrown in the trash can, adding two ping pong balls for eyes. But Kermit without Jim Henson is, well, an old ladies' coat and a couple of ping pong balls.

Um, okay, let's see... The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? They're enthusiastic bipedal amphibians, which is kinda awesome. But they're also pizza-powered teenagers who take their orders from a giant talking rat, which suggests they might get rowdy at press conferences.

Clearly, none of these is the ultimate eco-hero. So how about this: In the spirit of the green movement, let's reuse existing materials to fashion what we need. The perfect eco-hero is The Recycler, an enthusiastic bipedal amphibian with ping pong balls for eyes, an enormous yellow catfish moustache and whimsical trumpet ears. He and his Pan-Asian assistant, Kato, live together in a tree and go hunting at night using a green lantern and a green arrow. Now, about that theme song: I'm thinking Bono... -MPM