Water Movies

Making a movie on open water is asking for trouble. Curiously, that simple truth hasn't discouraged otherwise knowledgeable, landlubber producers from getting their creative feet wet. Water has a will of its own, impressively indifferent to film's exacting demands. Like Hawaii's North Shore in winter, the only predictable outcome of a movie shot on water's fluid surface is it will be large, fast and life-threatening. Whatever the eventual box office result, the effect on the production budget is undeniably negative; so much so that the Producer's Guild should send out an SOS to any and all fair-weather producers.

Unfortunately they don't, so we'll do it for them.

Exhibit A: Jaws. Although ultimately spawning the modern blockbuster, Jaws - like the vulnerable, skinny-dipping innocent devoured in the first frightening five minutes - seemed doomed from the moment it first slipped its intrepid toe into the water. Storm warning: The shark couldn't swim! That became the first of many signs supporting the opinion that making a Water Movie on Martha's Vineyard was a soggy idea. Filled with enthusiasm for all things lost, the intrepid production crew jury-rigged the shark to float and dove deeper. Nothing went right. Weather off Martha's Vineyard is historically unpredictable. It remained true to its reputation, steadfastly refusing to co-operate. The ocean also refused to play along. The shooting schedule trebled from 55 days to 155. This shark tale's budget doubled. Spielberg, at the time, was a 27-year-old directorial newbie. The hydroponic Jaws tested Spielberg and his crew in every possible way. At one particularly bleak nadir, the yet-to-be-famous director was certain he would be replaced.

Although admitting that the difficulties ended up working to their advantage ("We couldn't use the shark so we had to rely on people's imaginations."), Jaws producer, David Brown, recalls, "Steven would get so depressed sometimes because the (mechanical) shark wouldn't work."

Exhibit B: Apocalypse Now. Though it's not officially a Water Movie, it qualifies once we recall 1977's Philippine monsoon season, which managed to sweep entire sets out to sea. In addition to being venerated as a masterpiece, Apocalypse Now is acknowledged as being its own, unique, artistically triumphant icon of fiasco: The young, brooding Harvey Keitel - cast as the original Captain Willard-was fired after only two weeks of shooting. His replacement, the youthful 42-year-old Martin Sheen, suffered a massive heart attack. That near-death experience, alone, closed production for half a year.

The production floundered on for over a year. The film's commander, Francis Ford Coppola, battened his hatches and watched as abundant amounts of his own money vanished in the unpredictable undertow. Another maelstrom arrived in the form of a truculent, grossly overweight Marlon Brando striding ashore in the Philippines not knowing any of his lines and seemingly determined to wreak more havoc on an already exhausted, drenched, almost-broke movie crew.

Exhibit C: The Deep. Later buoyed by an impressive box office despite critical comparison to three-day-old sushi, this 1977 water baby was shot in and on the Caribbean. But evidently the Caribbean wasn't the right kind of water, because huge tanks were laboriously created to replicate...that's right, the Caribbean deep. As the crew immersed themselves in their work, descending 9,000 times into the clear, blue sea, the budget rose from $6 million to $9 million. Like all good sea yarns, however, this one yielded a few redeeming pearls: Generations will enjoy the unforgettable image of Jackie Bissett immortalizing the wet T-shirt.

Exhibit D: The Abyss. Otherwise known as James Cameron's first Water Movie which has seemingly improved with age, The Abyss was a box office bust. Filmed almost entirely underwater, this 1989 drama about love, covert military actions, inner space aliens that glow and sparkle and the looming threat of nuclear incineration featured Ed Harris and Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Cameron himself admitted it was, up to that time, his career's most difficult shoot - that is, until his second Water Movie, Titanic. Present were the usual aquatic production nightmares: deadly, venomous, sea-swimming saltwater vipers invading expensive dive tanks; an opaque, green algae infestation; overdoses of chlorine introduced out of desperation in hopes of purging the tanks of their pervasive, camera-obscuring emerald algae "fur"; searing, intolerably hot equatorial weather; and the water movie's constant companion - a shooting schedule adding days like bubbles from a scuba regulator while the budget inflated like an angry blowfish. An added bonus was the piquant, salty flavor of James Cameron's infamous, sour personality.

Exhibit E: Waterworld. Kevin Costner's $175 million debacle about a world consisting of nothing but water. This has to be the industry's mother of all Water Movies. The film's liquid star, water, voraciously swallowed entire sets, delaying shooting for weeks and thus fomented the original director's dismissal. Costner cruised on, hosting young lovelies, importing personal trainers, retaining a personal chef and entertaining everyone with shots of tequila served poolside at his $4,500-a-night Hawaiian "atoll." It is rumored that Costner blissfully backstroked while his new director was brought up to speed, resulting in Kevin's wife discovering his young lovelies. Mrs. Costner subsequently left Costner high and dry, which created a tidal wave of negative press that drowned what proved to be a not-too-shabby dystopian Water Movie before it even hit dry ground.

No doubt, there will be more. Storytellers are always searching for the next frontier, and in the movies, that's no longer space; apparently, in this Age of Global Warming (AI, Day After Tomorrow), that's water.

Besides, look at all the movies that had no water whatsoever that turned into cash sinkholes: Ishtar, The Postman, Alexander, Cleopatra.

Hey, anyone for a Producer's Guild pamphlet on Sand Movies?